Thursday August 19th, 2021: 0501 Pe'ahi, Maui, Hawai'i
My original draft of this (some eight hours ago) was far more raw and less integrated than this one will be. This piece will still conveys the power of what I have recently experienced, maybe even more.
Tuesday night in my men's group, I outed a thief. You will never see his name here, or blasted out across the internet. At least not yet. I don't know. I may still expose him to some kind of public excoriation. His is an internet fiend and I know I could at least superficially hurt him by broadcasting his crimes to his confreres. But it has taken me four years of deep personal work and therapy to finally came to grips with being ripped off by this individual. It has taken that amount of time to unravel the rage and intensity of my feelings of betrayal to reach a point of emotional relief strong enough to tell this story without there being a violent ending with excruciating details. This has been very powerful for me as fuel for my personal growth, in not reaching out and blaming; in not reaching out for revenge. (At one point, I fantasized flying to Russia [where he had retreated] and confronting him face-to-face).
I told the truth to my men's group, some of whom knew the earlier circumstances. I used his name, though many of them didn't recognize it. I spoke the truth of my journey, having reached the place where I no longer wanted to carry any feelings related to him or our failed (sabotaged) business venture. I did this and I do this now only to relieve myself of the burden of rage and negative feelings. As far as I am concerned, he is condemned and will be crucified by his own intentions and behaviors.
I have come to see that he never intended to deliver the work he promised. He was incapable of doing so. He did not have the skills to do so. I have come to understand that his lies and duplicity were far deeper and more twisted than the seemingly superficial ones that he presented. He is far, far less than the shallow twisted man he showed me. It is clear in retrospect that he has devoted most of his life ripping me and others off and living off women. He is morally incapable of being honest. He is incapable of love. He has no real heart. He has no soul.
I have not gone out spewing his name on every social media device, or sought legal recourse. Or sent out hunters to find him and present him to me duct-taped in a chair. I have decided in the Ultimate Justice, rendered by the Universe Itself out of the Wholeness of the Whole. He only thought he manipulated $20,000 out of me as legitimate business expenses (many of which turned out later to have been re-directed for his personal needs). I have developed an unshakable faith in the fact that he will find that he ultimately stole it from himself--and he will pay in the same kind and level of anguish and deprivation though which he has put me with shame and fear and self-recriminations. This whole process has been an enormous emotional and moral conundrum and teaching.
If I decide to speak publicly about his many crimes, I sincerely hope he decides to sue me for defamation of character. The truth is always the best defense of such a charge--and I have all the receipts! I can prove how and where my money was spent and on what. In the meantime, I am releasing myself from further carrying any emotional weight related to him. I am complete.