Saturday September 4th, 2021: 0024 Pe'ahi, Maui, Hawai'i
In the field of trauma work, "freeze" refers to a state of extreme fear of strong that an individual is unable to execute the two most common responses: fight ot flight.
For many years, I have been tortured by my lack of having fought back against my childhood abuses. I have self-flagellated because I did not get revenge on those who harmed me. Then, just a few days ago, I used the word "frozen" in relation to what I had been feeling and my seeming inability to get small tasks done or even get motivated to straighten out the house.
It struck me that the "freeze" reaction is exactly that which I have been immersed for much of my life in extreme situations, though much of my intensity has melted due to war and heavy drug use. I have now been clean 38 + years from cocaine, as I had been going through a period of feeling frozen and unable to participate and I have been lately experiencing some heavy "melting." This has led to my feeling a new and deeper level of healing, even though some of it seems almost regressive (because it feels like really old stuff being released).
I have been researching the "freeze" state and it has lent itself to some incredible insight. I feel less self-blaming and have been taking time to flood myself with forgiveness and self-love, feeling immensely relieved that there is a clear definition for what I have been experiencing; and strong feelings of relief in letting go (sometimes more gently than others) of the energy I have been carrying around it and a legitimate clinical description of the phenomenon and the suffering. I am grateful