• Dr. Stefan

Saturday September 4th, 2021: 0024 Pe'ahi, Maui, Hawai'i

In the field of trauma work, "freeze" refers to a state of extreme fear of strong that an individual is unable to execute the two most common responses: fight ot flight.

For many years, I have been tortured by my lack of having fought back against my childhood abuses. I have self-flagellated because I did not get revenge on those who harmed me. Then, just a few days ago, I used the word "frozen" in relation to what I had been feeling and my seeming inability to get small tasks done or even get motivated to straighten out the house.

It struck me that the "freeze" reaction is exactly that which I have been immersed for much of my life in extreme situations, though much of my intensity has melted due to war and heavy drug use. I have now been clean 38 + years from cocaine, as I had been going through a period of feeling frozen and unable to participate and I have been lately experiencing some heavy "melting." This has led to my feeling a new and deeper level of healing, even though some of it seems almost regressive (because it feels like really old stuff being released).

I have been researching the "freeze" state and it has lent itself to some incredible insight. I feel less self-blaming and have been taking time to flood myself with forgiveness and self-love, feeling immensely relieved that there is a clear definition for what I have been experiencing; and strong feelings of relief in letting go (sometimes more gently than others) of the energy I have been carrying around it and a legitimate clinical description of the phenomenon and the suffering. I am grateful

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  • Dr. Stefan

Wednesday September 1st, 2021: 2229 Pe'ahi, Maui, Hawai'i

I had a long chat today with one of my best friends on Earth. I had been feeling especially disturbed about the most recent "news" concerning the US withdrawal from Afghanistan. It struck me as so typical that the USG would be pulling out of yet another war that has essentially benefited war-related industries, armament-makers, lobbyists and assorted "friends" of the foregoing. We live, and have lived for at least the last eighty years, in a war-based economy in which the bulk of the economy is directly or indirectly related to the war industry.

The conversation today revolved around how nothing has essentially changed since "America" was colonized, and none of the 361 "treaties" were honored in stealing this land in the name of "independence" and "freedom" whilst all the while creating an increasingly totalitarian, plutocratic society. The most striking feature of all this has been the fact that, for the most part, normal daily activities (the pursuit of money and the acquisition of material riches) just keep on as if nothing else were happenings. It's "business as usual." Nothing stops the onward flow of profit -- not people, not the environment, not future generations.

One of the most onerous and disturbing lines I hear is related to what a great and financially astute President Ronald Reagan was, the man who bribed the Iranians to NOT release the hostages after Jimmy Carter had arranged their release; who instituted taxation of Social Security income; who brought us the Iran-Contra scandal. Oh and by the way,

"Reagan took the deficit from $70 billion to $175 billion. Bush Sr. took it to $300 billion. Clinton got it to zero. Bush Jr. took it from zero to $1.2 trillion. Obama halved it to $600 billion. Trump’s got it back to a trillion." Poynter Institute (07/23/19).

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  • Dr. Stefan

Thursday August 19th, 2021: 0501 Pe'ahi, Maui, Hawai'i

My original draft of this (some eight hours ago) was far more raw and less integrated than this one will be. This piece will still conveys the power of what I have recently experienced, maybe even more.

Tuesday night in my men's group, I outed a thief. You will never see his name here, or blasted out across the internet. At least not yet. I don't know. I may still expose him to some kind of public excoriation. His is an internet fiend and I know I could at least superficially hurt him by broadcasting his crimes to his confreres. But it has taken me four years of deep personal work and therapy to finally came to grips with being ripped off by this individual. It has taken that amount of time to unravel the rage and intensity of my feelings of betrayal to reach a point of emotional relief strong enough to tell this story without there being a violent ending with excruciating details. This has been very powerful for me as fuel for my personal growth, in not reaching out and blaming; in not reaching out for revenge. (At one point, I fantasized flying to Russia [where he had retreated] and confronting him face-to-face).

I told the truth to my men's group, some of whom knew the earlier circumstances. I used his name, though many of them didn't recognize it. I spoke the truth of my journey, having reached the place where I no longer wanted to carry any feelings related to him or our failed (sabotaged) business venture. I did this and I do this now only to relieve myself of the burden of rage and negative feelings. As far as I am concerned, he is condemned and will be crucified by his own intentions and behaviors.

I have come to see that he never intended to deliver the work he promised. He was incapable of doing so. He did not have the skills to do so. I have come to understand that his lies and duplicity were far deeper and more twisted than the seemingly superficial ones that he presented. He is far, far less than the shallow twisted man he showed me. It is clear in retrospect that he has devoted most of his life ripping me and others off and living off women. He is morally incapable of being honest. He is incapable of love. He has no real heart. He has no soul.

I have not gone out spewing his name on every social media device, or sought legal recourse. Or sent out hunters to find him and present him to me duct-taped in a chair. I have decided in the Ultimate Justice, rendered by the Universe Itself out of the Wholeness of the Whole. He only thought he manipulated $20,000 out of me as legitimate business expenses (many of which turned out later to have been re-directed for his personal needs). I have developed an unshakable faith in the fact that he will find that he ultimately stole it from himself--and he will pay in the same kind and level of anguish and deprivation though which he has put me with shame and fear and self-recriminations. This whole process has been an enormous emotional and moral conundrum and teaching.

If I decide to speak publicly about his many crimes, I sincerely hope he decides to sue me for defamation of character. The truth is always the best defense of such a charge--and I have all the receipts! I can prove how and where my money was spent and on what. In the meantime, I am releasing myself from further carrying any emotional weight related to him. I am complete.

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